It's been a few months already! (half a year. Wow).
I am currently studying for my last final exams in my academic life, in sha'Allah. (9 days left for my last day in college!)
I took an A in my senior project. Which a really good grade. Really good. (I wanted an A+, but Allah knows better. So thanks be to Allah. However the situation was).
I have a small notebook that I'm keeping to write down the things that I want to do once I graduate; soooo many things are on pause for college. So many thoughts and ideas waiting to be implemented.
For example, I want to paint the walls of my room. (I as in "I, myself". Not a painter), and I want to do the 'Media Detox Challenge', I want to volunteer, I want to make videos, I want to gather up with my friends.. And so many other things.
Here's the thing, I don't know if it's because I'm studying for the finals and I'm feeling a bit pressured or what exactly, but I'm feeling a bit too much right now and it's making me feel so.. volatile. It's nerve wrecking. Honestly, honestly nerve wrecking.
Then I thought: why not write? I'm very good at expressing my feeling through writing. And I'm sure it's going to help. And then... I remembered: MY DIARY!
Here are the facts about my feelings right now:
- I'm currently studying for the final exams: regular pressure. I think.
- I don't know what exactly is going to happen after I graduate because my GPA doesn't meet most standards to the things that I want: having goals that I'm afraid I won't be able to reach.
- I'm always replaying what happened after I graduated high-school and stayed at home for one year and half: fear of wasting my time. Again.
- I literally crave independence so much that I feel my heart is going to burst every time I'm reminded that I'm not and I can't ever be. Really. And that is real, actual torment for me.
Caring about what the people closest to me think about me and wanting to live my life and be independent at the same time is beyond aggravating. I feel so torn sometimes that it gives me a headache. It’s a constant torment. A constant anxiety. I'm so sick of constantly thinking of what I did wrong or what I'm doing wrong because of how it's a constant, verbal and nonverbal, disapproval.
I just want to go off on my own for a little while and simply be. I always feel like I want to try and get a taste of that feeling. Some would ask of why I would try it and enjoy it when it's not permanent, why go into something that you can't always have? And the answer would always be this: tasting that real, free of restrictions feeling is a thousand times more satisfying than not tasting it is bothering me.
I don't know.. Is it just my personalty that hates restrictions so much that even the slightest most insignificant acts of restriction makes me go into rage? Or is it that I'm actually letting myself be restricted? Yeah.. Maybe that is what's really bothering me.
Maybe what's really bothering me is that all this matter is between my own two hands and I'm the one letting it happen and that is making me feel weak. And nobody in this world likes being in a position where they feel weak.
I guess all I really need is to train myself about dealing with those situations. Because, after all, the only person that I can change in this entire world is me and only me.
It is true what they say: whatever it is you're feeling, you are feeling. Not the people around you. Not the person that allegedly made you feel that way. It is you and only you. When you get angry at something, it's because of you. When you are happy about something, it is also because of you. Those feelings are yours after all, aren't they?
So, here's to the time that I learn more about life,
And to the time that I learn more about myself,
And to the time that I start owning my own feelings.
I'm just hoping that I could reread this one day as a mature woman and think the same things I thought about the sixteen-year-old me; "Wow, look how much I've changed!"
The thing is.. I know that in life we are always a work in progress.
Some people think it but never say it,
Some people don't think about it at all,
Some people don't believe in that–they just think the personality of someone is one and the same and it never changes; the person only gets older,
Some people actually laugh at the mere mention of it,
And many, many, many other types that have their own perspective about this subject.
But, for me? I think it, I believe in it, and I say it. All the time. And this alone makes it a thousand times better.
I saw a video a few days ago about happiness; this guy had 5 steps to happiness and they were the following:
- Own your own happiness.
- Challenge your own story. ("You wrote the script, change the story!")
- Enjoy the journey.
- Make relationships count.
- Balance work with play.
