before I go to sleep, I just want to say

Dear Diary,

I feel a big bundle of different types of tangled up feelings..

If I had to name it, I guess I'm naming it anxiety. Or, maybe, the need for my own acceptance.

And I'm not talking about severe anxiety or about anything that serious. It's just this: feelings. Emotions. Having too many feelings and being taken entirely by them.

Sometimes, we get so into our own heads and listen to our demons so carefully and faithfully to the point of forgetting the feeling of the freedom of our choices and the freedom of simply being one's self without constantly thinking of behavioral right and wrong from other people's perspectives rather than our own.

And because we're deep inside our own heads, we concentrate too much on ourselves. Everything we do is magnified in our own eyes. All the trivial things we do, get so huge we can't see past them. Things get magnified and then the anxiety kicks in. (Or is anxiety that magnifies them?) While in fact, if we just took one moment to look at ourselves from a different, more forgiving perspective, so many things will change.

We get so into our own heads, that we forget that we are beautifully unique. That there's no one like us in this world. We forget to take a relaxing breath. Just to breathe in, then breathe out. Just forget the restraints and live the moment happily.

We tend to forget that there are no rules for people to be themselves except actually being themselves and being confident about it.

It takes so much energy; it takes away so much of life, to be otherwise.

There are, literally, endless stars in the universe. None of them are like any other.
There are 7 billion people on this planet, not one person is exactly like the other.
Our differences are exactly the things that make us, US.

I've always thought that the human's psychology is the single hardest equation of all time, but really.
Why is it so hard to accept differences?
Who sets the rules of what's right and what's wrong for being one's self?

Be weird.
Be kind.
Be awkward.
Be true.
Be different.
Be free.
BE YOU

(And be 100% okay with it)

Look at yourself the way you would look at your best friend.
Look at yourself as a loved one.
Say to yourself the things that you would say to your most favorite person ever.

Live life and enjoy being whoever you are in it. Because it's short. And there's absolutely no time not to.

* * *

I love this video, so I'll gift it to myself. Over and over again.

Purest Forms of Life

Dear Diary,

I always wonder..
What is life?
How is life?
And, I don't know about other people, but I find those are very hard questions to answer. I find that thinking of the answers to those questions is consuming.

Lately, I started learning–realizing–that the best way to get the answers to those questions to go ahead and live the moment.

But, in general, I have a problem with this. Being me, I don't get to live the moment often. I think way too much to get the privilege of living the moment; the moment alone without the distractions of my thoughts.


I've been having immense difficulties at work lately. (Praise be to Allah, I resigned). I've been going through a difficult and nerve-wracking period of my life. I still am actually. On so many levels. And it honestly was hard to be happy. It's been very hard.
So, I found those questions popping up in my head more often than I would like them to. And those questions are harder and harder to explain when nothing seems positive.

Two weeks ago, before my resignation, there was a "National Day Special Story Time" in the library, where I used to work. And, even though I didn't think it would be fun at first; I thought it would be a burden, but it was the exact opposite. It was one of the most fun days of my life.

And the best part about that day is the after-gathering that Ghadeer, Wassan, Maha, Sumayah and I had in the park. It was so much fun I can't even describe it..

The beauty of it all is how spontaneous the whole thing was. We went there after grabbing junk food and dinner. We were together in one car with the music blasting our ears and we were actually laughing and enjoying our time. And I will always wish this could happen every now and the then. Because it honestly was the spontaneous kind of happy. The unplanned kind that you will forever appreciate and wait for.

We talked and laughed. We even took off our Abayas and rolled down the hill.. It's been such an amazing night with such amazing people that actually got me thinking afterward:
So, this what life is? This is how life is?
You just do what makes you happy and be with who makes you happy?
And that's it?
That's much simpler than I thought. Because I was way too busy trying to find the answer in tall the wrong places.

And the simplest answer to any question about living life is this:
"Living" is a feeling rather than an action.
Well, I think the two go together hand in hand.

But it is, eventually, a feeling.

Do what gives you that feeling. Whatever it is.

You just live your moment.
And stop the worry.

I just pray for more days like this one. Because this is how life becomes beautiful.

Friday, September 23rd of the year 2016 was a day to remember and never forget.

First Job Ever! (and life lessons)

Dear Diary,

I am now officially an employee.

First actual job ever, can you believe it?

Today, Wednesday, August 17th, is the first day of my fourth week here.

It's weird.. (Not necessarily good weird or bad weird; just indifferently weird). Because I'm working where I used to spend my time studying. I'm seeing a whole different place than the one I'm used to.
And, I know it's a bit early for me to actually judge working here, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

So.. Before the judging, we need facts.
And here are the facts:

1. The working days are 6 days a week. (Which means I have only one day off. And mine is on Tuesday). (Side fact: I dislike weekends and that makes it a bonus).
2. Working hours are 8 hours a day + half an hour break.
3. Location: Dhahran Recreation Library. (A place that I adore and am comfortable in). (Plus.. BOOKS! - another bonus).
4. Shifts! (I dislike routines; I like change)

   When I started working here; for the first two weeks, my schedule was from 7:00 AM till 3:30 PM. And on the third week my schedule changed to a mid-shift; which means, my schedule now is from 11:00 AM till 7:30 PM. (This change will be for this month only; to evaluate which one of those two schedules suits me better).

Before I get into the story of this job, I'm gonna talk about something..

I’ve always thought that life is about setting goals and reaching them; that life is all about having a vision of who and what a person wants to be. So many people say the exact opposite; they say that life is living the moment. Be a clean canvas. Explore yourself and the world around you as you go. But, I’ve never knew what they meant until now. And it’s not that I necessarily think differently now, it’s just that I’ve been thinking lately.. Because I’m worried about not reaching those goals. And because how, not having goals, could actually give me a lot more freedom in working and exploring more things in life.

I never intended on having a goal from the beginning. I started having goals as I went through college and through volunteering and.. Through life. Step by step, I began the journey of setting my goals and learning what ways that could help me reach them.

And, right now, I’m barely even close to reaching them. They are still far away. But, I learned how important they are to me. And I’m clinging to them with all I have.

I won’t talk about those goals, because I would like to achieve them first.

Here’s a funny fact: during the final course of college, as much as I was happy and excited about graduating, I was actually as equally worried about the few months after graduation and what I’m going to do with them. (Or, more accurately, with myself).

Now, for the story of how I got this job:

It was in the middle of Ramadan and my brother Khalid told me that he put my name as the volunteer responsible for video shooting  an event. So, I went with him that day dragging my post-graduation depression with me.
In that event I saw Mrs. Ghadeer, the person who arranges most of the volunteering events I go to, and when she found out that I graduated, she suggested that I come work in the library until I find a better option or find what I’m looking for. And that was actually the best suggestion ever.. Because, not that many people actually get the opportunity to work/get and experience right after graduating. And for me it was twice as good of an offer because I’ve been volunteering there for years, and I know most of the staff there.

So, I sent my C.V. and got an interview and a few days after that I got the job offer and I signed it. (The fact that I'm a regular volunteer with them helped).

And after that, I started working on Wednesday, the 27th of July.

And I started seeing the other side of the coin.

I got to know the long, long procedure of the Library. Starting from how and when to order books to the point of shelving them. (And, of course, the long and a little complicated procedure, in between).

Something fun to do in this job: teaching volunteers how to do the shelving and shelf-reading using the Dewey Decimal Classification System.

But most importantly, I’ve learned a number of important lessons in those few weeks:

• I learned that, no matter what and where you are, the beginnings are always the hardest. Especially when dealing with the unknown or dealing with something you are not used to.
• Never forget that there are two sides to a coin. Never forget that. Because there will come a day when you’ll be completely surprised about the other side; whether it’s a good one or a bad one.
• Because of learning new things every day, and because I’m not working in a specific area, or in an area in my major, I started learning my strengths and weaknesses on those new areas at work.

I've worked in a number of positions in those past few weeks; I worked at the circulation desk, the children's section, the media section, entering data of new books, learned how to catalog.. So many different areas. Which could be a bit of a routine sometimes, but still somethings to do and somethings to learn.

* * *

I also learned one very, very important fact about myself:
After I finished the interview and accepted the job offer, I got another job offer. A hundred percent better job offer. And I went for an interview and I did so well they offered me the job at the interview. And at that point I started weighing the possibilities and who I want to be and which one of those two roads I am willing to spend that period of my life traveling. Which one of those two has more of me.

I learned an important lesson of the person I am. Or I am becoming.

I am now slowly realizing that it is more than okay not to achieve your goals immediately after graduating. It is completely fine to go through hard times and think that your goals will not be achieved, as long as you get back on track stronger than before. And with a mind set stronger to achieve those goals.

So, I am giving myself the permission to enjoy where I am right now while trying to reach my goals.

I am teaching myself to enjoy the ride. Because, after all, nobody starts from the top.
Everybody’s gotta start somewhere to reach that top.

Dear Diary,

Hello Diary,

It's been a few months already! (half a year. Wow).

I am currently studying for my last final exams in my academic life, in sha'Allah. (9 days left for my last day in college!)

I took an A in my senior project. Which a really good grade. Really good. (I wanted an A+, but Allah knows better. So thanks be to Allah. However the situation was).

I have a small notebook that I'm keeping to write down the things that I want to do once I graduate; soooo many things are on pause for college. So many thoughts and ideas waiting to be implemented.
For example, I want to paint the walls of my room. (I as in "I, myself". Not a painter), and I want to do the 'Media Detox Challenge', I want to volunteer, I want to make videos, I want to gather up with my friends.. And so many other things.

Here's the thing, I don't know if it's because I'm studying for the finals and I'm feeling a bit pressured or what exactly, but I'm feeling a bit too much right now and it's making me feel so.. volatile. It's nerve wrecking. Honestly, honestly nerve wrecking.

Then I thought: why not write? I'm very good at expressing my feeling through writing. And I'm sure it's going to help. And then... I remembered: MY DIARY!

Here are the facts about my feelings right now:

1. I'm currently studying for the final exams: regular pressure. I think.
2. I don't know what exactly is going to happen after I graduate because my GPA doesn't meet most standards to the things that I want: having goals that I'm afraid I won't be able to reach.
3. I'm always replaying what happened after I graduated high-school and stayed at home for one year and half: fear of wasting my time. Again.
4. I literally crave independence so much that I feel my heart is going to burst every time I'm reminded that I'm not and I can't ever be. Really. And that is real, actual torment for me.

And that fourth one is what's weighing down on my heart...

Caring about what the people closest to me think about me and wanting to live my life and be independent at the same time is beyond aggravating. I feel so torn sometimes that it gives me a headache. It’s a constant torment. A constant anxiety. I'm so sick of constantly thinking of what I did wrong or what I'm doing wrong because of how it's a constant, verbal and nonverbal, disapproval.

I just want to go off on my own for a little while and simply be. I always feel like I want to try and get a taste of that feeling. Some would ask of why I would try it and enjoy it when it's not permanent, why go into something that you can't always have? And the answer would always be this: tasting that real, free of restrictions feeling is a thousand times more satisfying than not tasting it is bothering me.

I don't know.. Is it just my personalty that hates restrictions so much that even the slightest most insignificant acts of restriction makes me go into rage? Or is it that I'm actually letting myself be restricted? Yeah.. Maybe that is what's really bothering me.

Maybe what's really bothering me is that all this matter is between my own two hands and I'm the one letting it happen and that is making me feel weak. And nobody in this world likes being in a position where they feel weak.

I guess all I really need is to train myself about dealing with those situations. Because, after all, the only person that I can change in this entire world is me and only me.

It is true what they say: whatever it is you're feeling, you are feeling. Not the people around you. Not the person that allegedly made you feel that way. It is you and only you. When you get angry at something, it's because of you. When you are happy about something, it is also because of you. Those feelings are yours after all, aren't they?

So, here's to the time that I learn more about life,
And to the time that I learn more about myself,
And to the time that I start owning my own feelings.

I'm just hoping that I could reread this one day as a mature woman and think the same things I thought about the sixteen-year-old me; "Wow, look how much I've changed!"

The thing is.. I know that in life we are always a work in progress.
Some people think it but never say it,
Some people don't think about it at all,
Some people don't believe in that–they just think the personality of someone is one and the same and it never changes; the person only gets older,
Some people actually laugh at the mere mention of it,
And many, many, many other types that have their own perspective about this subject.

But, for me? I think it, I believe in it, and I say it. All the time. And this alone makes it a thousand times better.


I saw a video a few days ago about happiness; this guy had 5 steps to happiness and they were the following:

1. Own your own happiness.
2. Challenge your own story. ("You wrote the script, change the story!")
3. Enjoy the journey.
4. Make relationships count.
5. Balance work with play.

This is the video and it is honestly one of the best motivating videos ever: