2020: Global Pandemic / Quarantine - AKA The Experience of A Lifetime

Dear Diary,

I want to talk a little bit about this global pandemic that we are going through.

I started writing this now - 1:17 pm - July 3rd, 2020.

The quarantine started at the beginning of March. So that's 3 - 4 months ago. Don't get me wrong, I didn't stay at home, because I was working all the time. I didn't stop. So this is not to complain about "staying home." This is to talk about the advantages of quarantine.

I got to know myself better. I renewed my beliefs in many, many things.

–

Then I stopped there.

Now, at 7:00 pm - December 20th, 2020, I'm going back to this post with more variables at hand. To talk about the changes that we have been through and the events that had happened this year.

First of all, the reason that makes me say in the subject it's "the experience of a lifetime" is that it is. Whether you know it or not. Whether it's a negative experience or a positive one. So many weird things have happened this year. The type of things that one day you will tell your grandchildren, and they will be in awe by what they are hearing.

For most people, the pandemic's painful thing wasn't the quarantine itself as much as not knowing anything. Not knowing the when of it all. No specific date for the normal life that we were used to before this whole thing started.

This year, the year of 2020, has been very odd. It seems to represent a different thing for every single person differently.

When I go around asking people, what do you think of the year 2020? Was it a good year, was it a bad one, or was it just simply neither? A year like any other?

And the most interesting part of this is that I get a completely different answer from each person I ask—even my own family, who live (almost) the same life, under the same roof.

Some people say that it is the worst year they have been through because they either lost a relative, a loved one, or lost a work opportunity or any other personal reasons.

Some say that it is one of the best because they got to stay home with their families more, had the time to learn new things that they wanted to learn for a long time, because they met their life-partner because of the pandemic, or even had a wake-up call towards their health and what better things they could do to take care of it, and many other reasons that I myself will share in a few paragraphs.

Others have said that the year 2020 was no different than any other year because they're not much of travels, or that nothing serious had affected them personally or anyone close to them - praise be to Allah.

-

For me, personally, the year 2020 has taught me so many things.

I am very thankful for being safe and to have all my loved ones safe and well.

I had spent more time self-reflecting and learning how many opportunities I wasted when everything was open and available for me to explore. And, oddly enough, that's not a bad thing. The word "wasted" could be interpreted as a negative thing, but here, it's not. It's actually a very positive word for me in this specific context.

Because learning about those things, and getting that wake-up call, made me get up and make something of what I have got. It made me stand on my own two feet and take action towards my goals to go a step further towards my life ambitions.

Moreso, it made me go through more life experiences than I ever did before the pandemic.

The time I spent self-reflecting has helped me realize my worth more. Had made know who do I need to remove from my life to detoxify it. To be healthier: emotionally, mentally, and energetically.

I gained weight during this pandemic (which I'm planning on losing because it's unhealthy). But I have also gotten a lot more confident. Learned how to stand up tall and proud. Learned to embrace my differences. Learned to appreciate the person that I am.

I met new people. I became closer to some of the ones I know and a lot more distant from others.

I learned to make my own decisions without letting anyone affect them. And, hopefully, a few months from now, I will be able to write about those decisions that I so proudly made.

During the pandemic, I went down low, and I went up high. I laughed, and I cried. I learned to be more thankful for the smallest of things.

I learned that there are many wonderful things in my country that I didn't know we had before. So many choices available for us to experience.

Last but not least, a month and a half ago, I officially turned 28. I am officially 28, walking my way to 29. And I had the most beautiful day I could have ever imagined that day.

With my closest friends. November 9th of the year 2020 was a day filled with laughter and joy.

My birthdays are normally just fine - but this one was special, and  I am very thankful to have spent it close to the people I love.

-

Now it's 6:00 pm - December 21st, 2020.

Last night, we learned that the pandemic/travel restrictions will continue at least for the first two weeks of January 2021. Some speculate that the pandemic will continue until the middle of March 2021. (Which would make it a year since the quarantine has started)

And the thought alone that we were promised that we will be able to at least travel by the beginning of 2021, and then get that taken away from us, is extremely frustrating.

However, now that people have gone through the experience, they know what measures they need to take and what they could use or do best to occupy their time.

May we all spend this added time wisely.

-

The most important lesson of 2020, which I think is something that everybody agrees on:

Never take anything or anyone for granted.

Because it's safe to say that nobody ever thought in their wildest dreams (or nightmares) that any of this would happen. You never know what might happen in life. You never know what is hidden in the future.

And you should always, always, appreciate the things you have between your hands - here and now. Because the happiness and pleasures of life are found where least expect it to be; within yourself.

-

I hope from the bottom of my heart that everyone (reading this or not) is safe and well.

Be safe.

Take care of yourself. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

-

Yours truly,

Lulwah

Mistakes. People. Lessons. Or, in other words: Life.

Dear Diary,

It's been two years. I miss you.

I would like more than anything to blame the fact that I didn't write for so long on life, I would really like to do that. But the problem is this: that's not true. I'm the one to blame because that's just poor life management on my end.

However, I will blame neither myself nor life. I just want to write. Because it gives me joy to do so. More than that, there are some tangled up thoughts inside my head that I'd like to put in here so I can untangle some. To, hopefully, relieve myself and feel better about things.

So many things have changed in the past two years in my life, my personality, and mentality. And I've come to the conclusion that this happens whenever you're more exposed to life than you usually are. In other words? This happens when you leave your comfort zone. (and I left my comfort zone AAAAH-LOT in the past couple of years that my anxiety level went up the ceiling of the third floor)

I read so many things (not related to each other whatsoever) in the past couple of years and it seems to me that there's a very important lesson from all that I've learned to keep in mind about life, about ourselves, and the people around us; of which I can conclude in one easy sentence:

There's no truth, there's only perspective.

And that on its own is this. A perspective. 7 billion people. 99% of those 7 billion different perspectives of which might 100% disagree with that idea. Here's a couple of two very simple examples:
A scientist is not the same as someone who builds their life on religion. One bases their life on studies, facts, and numbers and the other bases their life on the simplicity of faith.
An astronaut is not the same as a writer. One of them sees life through paper and in words and the other sees it in the space. In the open skies, amongst the stars.

And the neverending list goes on.

One of the things I read recently talks about the story of a book where one of the characters goes crazy when he realizes that there are multiple versions of a person in every person's head. Even in his own head. There's the way that he sees himself and there are a number of different ways that other people see him.

And that makes me see how everything in life is merely a perspective of the one living it.

And that takes me to another thing I read once way back in time. But it stuck with me no matter how many books and quotes I read after that. And it goes like this:

"When someone says, "I love you," and then you feel "Oh, I must be worthy after all," That's an illusion. That's not true. Or someone says "I hate you," and you think, "Oh, God, I knew it; I'm not very worthy," That's not true either. Neither one of these thoughts hold any intrinsic reality. They are an overlay. When someone says "I love you," he is telling you about himself, not you. When someone says, "I hate you," she is telling you about herself, not you.

World views are self-views – Literally."

World views are self-views.

With people, it's critical to your own happiness and peacefulness to distinguish the ones who are real and the ones who are fake. The ones who are there to mock your pain, and the ones who are there to heal your wounds. The ones who are toxic and negative, and the ones that support and love you unconditionally. Those people's "self-views" will rain down on you.

I believe in this more than anybody, (in my life at least), understands. I believe, or more accurately: through the life lessons I've learned through my relationships in general, I've come to believe that it is absolutely crucial to choose who gets into your life and who doesn't. Moreso than that, the width and depth of which each person gets into your life.

I've always thought that there's so much life outside people. And I still do. However, I've come to understand that life is nothing without good people in your life, to come home to and share your happy moments with. The pure type of relationships. The unconditional type that is there to support you through the good and the bad.

You know, sometimes we befriend people just to learn some lessons. And maybe un-learn some of the old ones. Which is something that has to happen in every person's life. You get into bad relationships or friendships to learn not to allow similar people into your life. To appreciate goodness. You get into good relationships and friendships with good-hearted people to learn good-heartedness from them.

I learned that as long as we still make mistakes, that means we're still learning. And as long as we're still learning, that means we are living life the way we're supposed to. And I know there's yet a lot more mistakes to make and a lot more to learn in life.

There's no possible way for anyone to come up with a manual on how to live life the "right" way. That way we will crush every person's individuality. Every person must live their life in their own way. It's good to learn from others, but it's also good (and important) for each person to form and reform their own opinion and perspective on life.

We only live life once. And it goes by so fast without us realizing it. For that, I wish myself, my loved ones and all the people around me a peaceful heart and positive perspective that leads to a positive well-lived life.

The Month of Beginnings & Lessons

Dear Diary,

(You don't know how good writing "Dear Diary," after a long time of not writing it makes me feel..)

The month of January has been.. A lifetime.
I've been through so many things this past month, I officially feel like it's been a lifetime.

I completed one month and ten days as an HR Learning & Development Associate in Gulf International Bank.

I even have my own desk now!

We've been having different courses for the first month in GIB, going from Communication Skills and Team Building to Banking and Finance. And so much more.

I've had a number of life lessons in the past month as well, here are the most important ones (In that prioritized order):

Dear Lulu,

1. Be Assertive.
   Being strong-willed and assertive does not necessarily mean unkindness; it does not have to have a negative meaning.
   Being that means being confident.
   
2. Don't Over-Analyze Things,
   When you're an analyzer by nature–like me–and you become too aware of the people around you, it becomes something like a curse. It'll be exactly like this: you're a computer and you're functioning automatically. And you're switched ON. All the time.
   
   What I learned from this is that it's true. I am an analyzer and I am the type of person that pays extra attention to details. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I have to analyze everything about everyone.
   
   And, something valuable to help me stop my automatic analysis, STOP VOICING YOUR ANALYSIS. [and that is step one]
   
3. Find Yourself–create yourself–Be yourself and Be Confident About It,
   Some people tell you to be yourself, but once they get a chance, they start trying to change some things about you to fit their standards and their criteria of how a person should be. Tailored to their specific liking.
   
   I learned to see myself through my eyes and not through the eyes of others. (no matter how much I like/love them).
   
   Being yourself could be hard sometimes. Especially if you are different and are in a society with cultural fundamentals that doesn't really accept anything out of the ordinary. And that is one more reason for you to be yourself. "Satisfying people is not even an aim to be reached."
   
4. Be Present,
   I read a book called 'The Present' by Dr. Spencer Johnson.
   This book is 103 pages long–yes, it's a very short one. But in those 103 pages, you find the lessons of a lifetime.
   This page could summarize the lessons in it:
   
   
   * That doesn't mean that I am actually "Present". It means that I'm enlightened and that I'm working on it.


5. "There Are No Bad Days, There Are Challenging Days." –DadI learned that a bad day is a day wasted.
   But a challenging day is a day that left you with important lessons.
   
6. Manage Your Anger, (Be calm and calculated)
   I don't have anger issues. But I discovered that when it's the wrong person at exactly the wrong time, mind you, I will snap and it won't look beautiful. And, for me, the most important thing I've learned from this is that, mostly, I'm the only one that'll actually be affected by my anger. Others would be affected, but not as badly as I would.
   
   * The way I've come to learn this lesson is that I had to be stuck with an inconsiderate and mean instructor that fails to do his job well AND he raised his voice at me in front of my colleagues. Needless to say, my reaction wasn't very "calm and calculated".

–

This past month, I read two books, went back to learning French in my Duolingo app, I read two pages of Qur'an daily, most of the days, I preceded my prayers over all my usual mundane interests and fixed my sleeping hours (mostly).

I also kept going back to my "before I go to sleep, I just want to say" Diary post. And, surprisingly and satisfyingly so, it helped me a lot.

So, for me, that was a great and a promising beginning, because I didn't do everything. Just like I predicted. And that gives me the ability to check myself and see where my weaknesses lie and try to strengthen them. Because, then, I'll see progress.

But, I think that the most important thing that I have learned is this:

In order for you to be who you're meant to be in the future, you have to go through what you're going through in the present. At this very moment. No matter how bad and frustrating it feels.

But the secret key to this is LEARNING from it. Learning from every single second of it.

2017

Dear Diary,

It's 2017.

No, this is not the new year's resolutions. (Well, if you must name it, it could be that).

Anyway, there are certain things in my life and about myself that I'd like to enhance. They're not necessarily bad or unacceptable things. They're simply things that I would like to change/improve.

It is known that giving yourself a long to-do list or a big number of things to do will bore you and/or will seem hard to accomplish and you'll mostly end up not doing it. So, what I'm doing is that I'm giving myself a small list–but with specific criterias–of the things that I want to focus on.

Let's put it that way: in general, I want to get to know/create myself, and I want to be the better version of what I already know.

Therefore, by the end of the year 2017, I want to have achieved all the objectives listed below.

1. Reading–
   I want to read 10 more books than the books I read in 2016:
   Last year, I read 27 books. This year I want to read 37 books.
    
2. Family–
   More family time. (Especially being with my family when they're all sitting together).
   Specify the time for my little sister; whether it's to read her bedtime stories or to take her out.
    
3. Write/Blog–
   I learned that by writing, I am learning so much about myself and about some of the things around me. And that's why: I want to blog, at least, once a month to talk briefly about what happened in the month and what new things I learned in that month.
    
4. Listening–
   I recently found out, after taking a test in a 'Successful Communication' course, that I have "Excellent Communication Skills" but I'm "Above Average" in the Listening Skills–(A few points below excellence). So, I want to work on my Listening Skills to reach Excellence.
    
5. Job–
   Excel in my field of work: Always be on time. Go The Extra Mile. Work hard. Learn. Utilize what I know.
    
6. Calligraphy–
   Devote, at least, three hours a week to practice what I learned and learn new things.
    
7. Health–
   Since I know for a fact that I won't cut chocolates and fast-food, I want to do the things that are achievable and I know I can do without breaking.
   
   • I'm not that much of a soft-drinks person, so I'll cut them completely this year, in sha'Allah.
   • Drink no less than one liter of water daily.
   • Fruits and vegetables: snack on fruits instead of unhealthy foods. And add more vegetables, and less rice, to my meals.
   • Selecting specific days of the week to go to the Gym doesn't work for me, so my goal is to go to the Gym whenever I have the time and a car ride is available.
   • Take Zumba/Pilates classes if any of them are available.
    
8. Spiritually–
   Prayers on time (precedence it over everything else), commit to the Sunna prayers and read two pages of Qur'an every day.
    
9. Language–
   I'm currently on 7% of fluency in the French language in my Duolingo app; My aim is to reach 100% of the French lessons by the end of the year and to be able to start reading the French book that I bought a couple of years ago.
    
10. SLEEP EARLY AND WAKE UP EARLY!–
    I love mornings but it's hard for me to wake up early if I don't have anything to do. So, I want to wake up no later than 9 am on the weekends and wake up a full hour and a half before work on working days.

Looking back at myself a few years ago, I see how much I've grown and how much I've changed. Without actually meaning to, I've come a long way.


Knowing that it's possible to change and be better is the motivation that'll push me to work on my list.

–

"The Jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be. Because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap!"

–Mary Anne Radmacher

before I go to sleep, I just want to say

Dear Diary,

I feel a big bundle of different types of tangled up feelings..

If I had to name it, I guess I'm naming it anxiety. Or, maybe, the need for my own acceptance.

And I'm not talking about severe anxiety or about anything that serious. It's just this: feelings. Emotions. Having too many feelings and being taken entirely by them.

Sometimes, we get so into our own heads and listen to our demons so carefully and faithfully to the point of forgetting the feeling of the freedom of our choices and the freedom of simply being one's self without constantly thinking of behavioral right and wrong from other people's perspectives rather than our own.

And because we're deep inside our own heads, we concentrate too much on ourselves. Everything we do is magnified in our own eyes. All the trivial things we do, get so huge we can't see past them. Things get magnified and then the anxiety kicks in. (Or is anxiety that magnifies them?) While in fact, if we just took one moment to look at ourselves from a different, more forgiving perspective, so many things will change.

We get so into our own heads, that we forget that we are beautifully unique. That there's no one like us in this world. We forget to take a relaxing breath. Just to breathe in, then breathe out. Just forget the restraints and live the moment happily.

We tend to forget that there are no rules for people to be themselves except actually being themselves and being confident about it.

It takes so much energy; it takes away so much of life, to be otherwise.

There are, literally, endless stars in the universe. None of them are like any other.
There are 7 billion people on this planet, not one person is exactly like the other.
Our differences are exactly the things that make us, US.

I've always thought that the human's psychology is the single hardest equation of all time, but really.
Why is it so hard to accept differences?
Who sets the rules of what's right and what's wrong for being one's self?

Be weird.
Be kind.
Be awkward.
Be true.
Be different.
Be free.
BE YOU

(And be 100% okay with it)

Look at yourself the way you would look at your best friend.
Look at yourself as a loved one.
Say to yourself the things that you would say to your most favorite person ever.

Live life and enjoy being whoever you are in it. Because it's short. And there's absolutely no time not to.

* * *

I love this video, so I'll gift it to myself. Over and over again.

Purest Forms of Life

Dear Diary,

I always wonder..
What is life?
How is life?
And, I don't know about other people, but I find those are very hard questions to answer. I find that thinking of the answers to those questions is consuming.

Lately, I started learning–realizing–that the best way to get the answers to those questions to go ahead and live the moment.

But, in general, I have a problem with this. Being me, I don't get to live the moment often. I think way too much to get the privilege of living the moment; the moment alone without the distractions of my thoughts.


I've been having immense difficulties at work lately. (Praise be to Allah, I resigned). I've been going through a difficult and nerve-wracking period of my life. I still am actually. On so many levels. And it honestly was hard to be happy. It's been very hard.
So, I found those questions popping up in my head more often than I would like them to. And those questions are harder and harder to explain when nothing seems positive.

Two weeks ago, before my resignation, there was a "National Day Special Story Time" in the library, where I used to work. And, even though I didn't think it would be fun at first; I thought it would be a burden, but it was the exact opposite. It was one of the most fun days of my life.

And the best part about that day is the after-gathering that Ghadeer, Wassan, Maha, Sumayah and I had in the park. It was so much fun I can't even describe it..

The beauty of it all is how spontaneous the whole thing was. We went there after grabbing junk food and dinner. We were together in one car with the music blasting our ears and we were actually laughing and enjoying our time. And I will always wish this could happen every now and the then. Because it honestly was the spontaneous kind of happy. The unplanned kind that you will forever appreciate and wait for.

We talked and laughed. We even took off our Abayas and rolled down the hill.. It's been such an amazing night with such amazing people that actually got me thinking afterward:
So, this what life is? This is how life is?
You just do what makes you happy and be with who makes you happy?
And that's it?
That's much simpler than I thought. Because I was way too busy trying to find the answer in tall the wrong places.

And the simplest answer to any question about living life is this:
"Living" is a feeling rather than an action.
Well, I think the two go together hand in hand.

But it is, eventually, a feeling.

Do what gives you that feeling. Whatever it is.

You just live your moment.
And stop the worry.

I just pray for more days like this one. Because this is how life becomes beautiful.

Friday, September 23rd of the year 2016 was a day to remember and never forget.

First Job Ever! (and life lessons)

Dear Diary,

I am now officially an employee.

First actual job ever, can you believe it?

Today, Wednesday, August 17th, is the first day of my fourth week here.

It's weird.. (Not necessarily good weird or bad weird; just indifferently weird). Because I'm working where I used to spend my time studying. I'm seeing a whole different place than the one I'm used to.
And, I know it's a bit early for me to actually judge working here, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

So.. Before the judging, we need facts.
And here are the facts:

1. The working days are 6 days a week. (Which means I have only one day off. And mine is on Tuesday). (Side fact: I dislike weekends and that makes it a bonus).
2. Working hours are 8 hours a day + half an hour break.
3. Location: Dhahran Recreation Library. (A place that I adore and am comfortable in). (Plus.. BOOKS! - another bonus).
4. Shifts! (I dislike routines; I like change)

   When I started working here; for the first two weeks, my schedule was from 7:00 AM till 3:30 PM. And on the third week my schedule changed to a mid-shift; which means, my schedule now is from 11:00 AM till 7:30 PM. (This change will be for this month only; to evaluate which one of those two schedules suits me better).

Before I get into the story of this job, I'm gonna talk about something..

I’ve always thought that life is about setting goals and reaching them; that life is all about having a vision of who and what a person wants to be. So many people say the exact opposite; they say that life is living the moment. Be a clean canvas. Explore yourself and the world around you as you go. But, I’ve never knew what they meant until now. And it’s not that I necessarily think differently now, it’s just that I’ve been thinking lately.. Because I’m worried about not reaching those goals. And because how, not having goals, could actually give me a lot more freedom in working and exploring more things in life.

I never intended on having a goal from the beginning. I started having goals as I went through college and through volunteering and.. Through life. Step by step, I began the journey of setting my goals and learning what ways that could help me reach them.

And, right now, I’m barely even close to reaching them. They are still far away. But, I learned how important they are to me. And I’m clinging to them with all I have.

I won’t talk about those goals, because I would like to achieve them first.

Here’s a funny fact: during the final course of college, as much as I was happy and excited about graduating, I was actually as equally worried about the few months after graduation and what I’m going to do with them. (Or, more accurately, with myself).

Now, for the story of how I got this job:

It was in the middle of Ramadan and my brother Khalid told me that he put my name as the volunteer responsible for video shooting  an event. So, I went with him that day dragging my post-graduation depression with me.
In that event I saw Mrs. Ghadeer, the person who arranges most of the volunteering events I go to, and when she found out that I graduated, she suggested that I come work in the library until I find a better option or find what I’m looking for. And that was actually the best suggestion ever.. Because, not that many people actually get the opportunity to work/get and experience right after graduating. And for me it was twice as good of an offer because I’ve been volunteering there for years, and I know most of the staff there.

So, I sent my C.V. and got an interview and a few days after that I got the job offer and I signed it. (The fact that I'm a regular volunteer with them helped).

And after that, I started working on Wednesday, the 27th of July.

And I started seeing the other side of the coin.

I got to know the long, long procedure of the Library. Starting from how and when to order books to the point of shelving them. (And, of course, the long and a little complicated procedure, in between).

Something fun to do in this job: teaching volunteers how to do the shelving and shelf-reading using the Dewey Decimal Classification System.

But most importantly, I’ve learned a number of important lessons in those few weeks:

• I learned that, no matter what and where you are, the beginnings are always the hardest. Especially when dealing with the unknown or dealing with something you are not used to.
• Never forget that there are two sides to a coin. Never forget that. Because there will come a day when you’ll be completely surprised about the other side; whether it’s a good one or a bad one.
• Because of learning new things every day, and because I’m not working in a specific area, or in an area in my major, I started learning my strengths and weaknesses on those new areas at work.

I've worked in a number of positions in those past few weeks; I worked at the circulation desk, the children's section, the media section, entering data of new books, learned how to catalog.. So many different areas. Which could be a bit of a routine sometimes, but still somethings to do and somethings to learn.

* * *

I also learned one very, very important fact about myself:
After I finished the interview and accepted the job offer, I got another job offer. A hundred percent better job offer. And I went for an interview and I did so well they offered me the job at the interview. And at that point I started weighing the possibilities and who I want to be and which one of those two roads I am willing to spend that period of my life traveling. Which one of those two has more of me.

I learned an important lesson of the person I am. Or I am becoming.

I am now slowly realizing that it is more than okay not to achieve your goals immediately after graduating. It is completely fine to go through hard times and think that your goals will not be achieved, as long as you get back on track stronger than before. And with a mind set stronger to achieve those goals.

So, I am giving myself the permission to enjoy where I am right now while trying to reach my goals.

I am teaching myself to enjoy the ride. Because, after all, nobody starts from the top.
Everybody’s gotta start somewhere to reach that top.

Dear Diary,

Hello Diary,

It's been a few months already! (half a year. Wow).

I am currently studying for my last final exams in my academic life, in sha'Allah. (9 days left for my last day in college!)

I took an A in my senior project. Which a really good grade. Really good. (I wanted an A+, but Allah knows better. So thanks be to Allah. However the situation was).

I have a small notebook that I'm keeping to write down the things that I want to do once I graduate; soooo many things are on pause for college. So many thoughts and ideas waiting to be implemented.
For example, I want to paint the walls of my room. (I as in "I, myself". Not a painter), and I want to do the 'Media Detox Challenge', I want to volunteer, I want to make videos, I want to gather up with my friends.. And so many other things.

Here's the thing, I don't know if it's because I'm studying for the finals and I'm feeling a bit pressured or what exactly, but I'm feeling a bit too much right now and it's making me feel so.. volatile. It's nerve wrecking. Honestly, honestly nerve wrecking.

Then I thought: why not write? I'm very good at expressing my feeling through writing. And I'm sure it's going to help. And then... I remembered: MY DIARY!

Here are the facts about my feelings right now:

1. I'm currently studying for the final exams: regular pressure. I think.
2. I don't know what exactly is going to happen after I graduate because my GPA doesn't meet most standards to the things that I want: having goals that I'm afraid I won't be able to reach.
3. I'm always replaying what happened after I graduated high-school and stayed at home for one year and half: fear of wasting my time. Again.
4. I literally crave independence so much that I feel my heart is going to burst every time I'm reminded that I'm not and I can't ever be. Really. And that is real, actual torment for me.

And that fourth one is what's weighing down on my heart...

Caring about what the people closest to me think about me and wanting to live my life and be independent at the same time is beyond aggravating. I feel so torn sometimes that it gives me a headache. It’s a constant torment. A constant anxiety. I'm so sick of constantly thinking of what I did wrong or what I'm doing wrong because of how it's a constant, verbal and nonverbal, disapproval.

I just want to go off on my own for a little while and simply be. I always feel like I want to try and get a taste of that feeling. Some would ask of why I would try it and enjoy it when it's not permanent, why go into something that you can't always have? And the answer would always be this: tasting that real, free of restrictions feeling is a thousand times more satisfying than not tasting it is bothering me.

I don't know.. Is it just my personalty that hates restrictions so much that even the slightest most insignificant acts of restriction makes me go into rage? Or is it that I'm actually letting myself be restricted? Yeah.. Maybe that is what's really bothering me.

Maybe what's really bothering me is that all this matter is between my own two hands and I'm the one letting it happen and that is making me feel weak. And nobody in this world likes being in a position where they feel weak.

I guess all I really need is to train myself about dealing with those situations. Because, after all, the only person that I can change in this entire world is me and only me.

It is true what they say: whatever it is you're feeling, you are feeling. Not the people around you. Not the person that allegedly made you feel that way. It is you and only you. When you get angry at something, it's because of you. When you are happy about something, it is also because of you. Those feelings are yours after all, aren't they?

So, here's to the time that I learn more about life,
And to the time that I learn more about myself,
And to the time that I start owning my own feelings.

I'm just hoping that I could reread this one day as a mature woman and think the same things I thought about the sixteen-year-old me; "Wow, look how much I've changed!"

The thing is.. I know that in life we are always a work in progress.
Some people think it but never say it,
Some people don't think about it at all,
Some people don't believe in that–they just think the personality of someone is one and the same and it never changes; the person only gets older,
Some people actually laugh at the mere mention of it,
And many, many, many other types that have their own perspective about this subject.

But, for me? I think it, I believe in it, and I say it. All the time. And this alone makes it a thousand times better.


I saw a video a few days ago about happiness; this guy had 5 steps to happiness and they were the following:

1. Own your own happiness.
2. Challenge your own story. ("You wrote the script, change the story!")
3. Enjoy the journey.
4. Make relationships count.
5. Balance work with play.

This is the video and it is honestly one of the best motivating videos ever:

لحظات جميلة

أمس، أكتوبر ٦، يوم الثلاثاء، كان حفل المستجدات بتنظيم فريق عمل مكتب الأنشطة الطلابية في كلية الدراسات التطبيقية وخدمة المجتمع - جامعة الدمام.

قبل شهر تقريباً إحدى صديقاتي رشحتني لمكتب الأنشطة الطلابية لعمل فيديو لحفل المستجدات في الكلية. لم أكن أعرف بوجود الحفل من قبل، ومجرد ترشيح أحد لي كان شعور جميل جداً.

الإستاذات المسؤولات عن مكتب الأنشطة–إستاذة جميلة وإستاذة مشاعل–إطّلعوا على أحد فيديوهاتي السابقة؛ [فيديو الإختبارات النهائية]، و أعجبتهم فكرة وجود فيديو قريب منه في الحفل، ليعطي دفعة من التفاؤل للطالبات المستجدات، و يكون فقرة من فقرات الحفل.

بعدها، قمت بالتسجيل مع مكتب الأنشطة وأصبحت ضمن فريقهم.

 

إتفقنا على الشروط، والتي كانت كالتالي:

١. أن لا يحتوي الفيديو على الموسيقى.

٢. أن يكون الفيديو باللغة العربية فقط.

٣. أن لا يزيد عن ٣ دقائق.

وهذا بالفعل ما حصل.

إنتهيت من عمل الفيديو وقمت بتسليمه، وليس لدي أدنى فكرة عن متى وكيف سيتم عرضه في الحفل.

في وقت الحفل، كنت إحدى طالبات الأنشطة، وفي نهاية الحفل، قامت المتحدثة، بإلقائها الرائع، بقول أنه سيتم عرض فيديو من مشاركة الطالبة لولوه الصحن للحظاتها الجميلة في العام الدراسي في الكلية!

بالنسبة لي، إعتدت على تحميل فيديو في اليوتيوب ومشاركته مع الأهل والأصدقاء والإحساس بتشجيعهم لي، ولله الحمد،، لكنِّي لم أعتد على رؤية فيديو من عملي في حضور هذا العدد الكبير من الأشخاص. والأجمل من ذلك، أنه عندما إنتهى عرض الفيديو قام الحضور بالتصفيق والتشجيع! شعور رائع.

في نهاية الحفل وبعد الختام، قامت أحد الأستاذات الحاضرات بإقتراحها علي المشاركة في المؤتمر العلمي (!!!) وهذا كان آخر شيء أتوقعه فيما يخص مشاركتي في الحفل..

في نهاية هذا الحفل شعرت فعلاً بالرضا الذاتي لإنجازي ما أنجزته، ولرؤية ردود أفعال من حولي؛ من صديقاتي ومن الأستاذات والحضور.

كان سيكون إسم الفيديو "روتين ممتع"، لكن الروتين ممل. والجامعة، صحيح أنها متعبة جداً، لكنها ممتعة.

تسعدني فكرة أن أنظر للوراء في المستقبل، وأرى بصمة مثل هذه. بصمة لحظاتي الجميلة.

الحمدلله حمداً كثيراً على جميع النِعَم، ما ظهر منها وما بطن. ❤️

فيديو حفل المستجدات؛ فيديو اللحظات الجميلة؛ فيديو خطة عامي الدراسي الجديد:

* * *

:[فيديو الإختبارات النهائية]

Blabbering About Things I Want To Remember!

(*Bliary = Blog+Diary)

Okay, Dear Bliary*,

For the past three months I've been through so many new and beautiful experiences that I wanted to blog about as soon as I've been through each and every one. This is supposed to be a diary.. You know, a day by day or an event by an event thing? But, unfortunately for me, there's this thing called procrastination. And what's even more unfortunate is that I give in to it. (Something new to add to my goals: STOP PROCRASTINATING!)

So, because the longer it takes, the less that I want to work on it, I'm gonna tell you the most important events that happened since March!

* * *

One:

At the end of March, my family and I had an amazingly beautiful trip.

We headed to Frankfurt, Germany, then to Paris, France, after that.

I didn't even think it could be this beautiful of a trip. I honestly didn't.

But I'm not going to talk about it here and now; talking about it needs a separate blog post. And I have yet the videos of the trip to make and upload on YouTube.

So, until then,

* * *

Two: (April 23rd, 24th)

Aramco's Library Week Event of 2015!

I was the photographer volunteer of the event, so, naturally, I made a video. [And took photos, too.]

It was such a good thing to do before the final exams.

The two days that I worked as a volunteer with them were at the King's park in Aramco. And the first day was in the outdoors, but the second day was inside the library because of the suddenly windy weather.

The writer, Sadeem Al-Nahdi

There were writers in the event. Different kinds of writers, and what's really special about the writers thing is that there was a children's book, a very educating one,  and the writer is nine years old! Wow. Ma sha'Allah..

Her parents made her right the lesson that she learned from something that she did. The name of the books is "لن أفشي سراً بعد اليوم", which means "I will not reveal a secret after this day".

It is a very beautiful children's book!

I hope one day I'd be able to teach my own children to write from a young age. ❤️

Since it's the "Library Week Event", there has to be books in there, right? Right.

There were so many books to buy there..

I bought three books; two by Dr. Saud Al-Shaalan and one by Ms. Hitaf Al-Ammar. (All three books were signed by the authors to me. And it makes me so happy!)

Plus, Dr. Saud is a graphologist, SOOO, I had my handwriting analysed :D

* Graphology is the study of handwriting especially for the purpose of character analysis.

The dinner at the end of the event with
the entire crew, the writers, and the volunteers.

It's been such a wonderful time, and a wonderful experience. Especially getting the time to talk to those writers and getting into discussions with them.

That day, I realised something.. All I really need to have fun is a good friend, accomplishments and myself.

* * *

Three: (April 30th)

MIS3!!!

MANAGEMENT INFORMATION SYSTEM'S
THIRD GATHERING!

The purpose of this gathering is two main things:
1. Enlighten those who want to get to know the Management Information System's major a bit more.

2. Give the opportunity to MIS students to share their graduation project ideas and other MIS students to share different projects and topics related to the major.

Organization Committee - The Day Before MIS3

Of course, in order for this forum to be a successful one, all the teaching faculty of MIS put their hands together and made different committees to organize the gathering and make it as best as it could be.

I registered in the Informative Committee. (The one responsible of the photography of the gathering, posting and updating the information on the social media of the event.. and so on.)

There was a good number of some talented girls with me in the committee, Ma sha'Allah.

I will always remember the teaching faculty of our major.. Those instructors are few of the most amazing people that I have met.. Mr. Osama Badawi, Mrs. Noor Al-Arji, Ms. Asyah Al-Kaabi, Ms. Rana Al-Zumaie.. They are wonderful instructors and wonderful people. I will always be thankful to have had the chance of meeting them.

Ms. Asyah Al-Kaabi, who was the supervisor of the committee, is such an amazing person that have been helping us, listening to what we have to say and guiding our way through everything! (plus, I appreciate her genuine patience with all of us).

HACKERS AND APPLE WATCH (just because)

My three friends, Nourah, Najla'a, Rnyah, and I participated in the exhibition of MIS3. This exhibition has only a few ideas and enlightening subjects concerning our major to share with whoever wants to listen. (There were high-school students, students from different colleges, and visitors who just wanted to attend the gathering).

Okay, here's the thing, there's no grades for this thing we participated in. So, it was honestly just something to experience. (And have fun in the process).

We wanted more than one subject, we were four girls, two of us wanted the Apple Watch and the other two wanted to talk about the Hackers. (*whispers* I wanted the Hackers idea). Anyway, when we asked for permission to talk about them both.. WE GOT IT! *yaaaaaaayyy*

The best thing about it, is that all four of us wanted to do it for the mere experience of it, so it was a fun process and we worked together to make it easy on the eye and attractive. (Thank you, Rnyah!) *Rnyah is very talented in decorating stuff..

Nourah and I were responsible of the Hackers subject, and Rnyah and Najla'a were responsible of the Apple Watch.

I won't bore you with the long, long details. So, here's a very cool collection of short videos that I gathered in one video to project on the screen.. COOL HACKERS!!! (but a bit of a criminals) (enjoy it anyway, it's cool)

 Since we cannot be taught by male instructors directly in our college, it was hard for me to comprehend talking to our instructors directly when I first heard that our major's male instructors were coming to talk to us about what we were presenting, and it was the first time ever that this happened in our college.

So when the time came, at 4 p.m., all our instructors and the dean of the college came and talked to us. (WE WERE THE FIRST CORNER TO TALK TO [!!!])

I didn't know what I was supposed to say, so I stuttered a little bit, but it worked out just FINE. And I enjoyed the fact that I wasn't horrible :D

At the end of the day we all got our Appreciation certificates.

Everyone who participated in the exhibition and/or the committee got one.

And, since I participated in both, I got TWO Certificates of Appreciation!!!

To be honest, to be completely honest, I have never in my life thought that I could participate in anything.. Do anything worth mentioning. But, that day, though I didn't sleep nor eat that day, I went back home full of adrenaline.. Completely happy and proud of myself.

That day was so important to me, because I finally disentangled this knot in my mind about my imaginary inability to.. Be.

* * *

Four: (June 5th)

My.. Hair..

So, what about my hair?

June 5th was the first time in my entire life that I cut my hair.

Now, because I wear hijab, I unfortunately cannot describe how I cut it and what's the length of it.

But, I can say this:

The day I cut my hair, is, for me, one of the most HUGE steps that I took in my entire life.

Because cutting my hair, I realized, wasn't just physical. It is mental. As soon as I cut my hair, I felt free.. of sorts..

Nobody even can know how many people have told me NOT to do it. The closest people to my heart actually tell me not to cut it all the time that I started feeling that maybe they would actually hate me if I did it.

But you know, I did it. I did it because I wanted to. Not because I hated my hair before. Not because I wanted to be stubborn. Not because of anything but the mere need to do it.

You know how people go on trips around the world or just simply go out of their ways to try and find themselves? Well, that is exactly what I did when I cut my hair. I found the capability of exploring myself further.

And I honestly, honestly, HONESTLY, thought it would look absolutely HIDEOUS when I cut it. And, even then, I wanted to cut it just as bad. But, you know, it's not even close to being bad.. It actually suits me better.

What I felt after cutting it was true freedom. It literally feels like I'm whole different person, even if it was just physically. When I look in the mirror, I feel like "Yeah.. this is me. Maybe I am on the right track to find myself after all.."

If somebody asks me, what is the best decision that I made, I am, truthfully, going to say that it is cutting my hair. (Until a better decision changes that).

My lesson to myself:

DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, BECAUSE YOU WILL ALWAYS KNOW YOURSELF BETTER THAN ANYBODY EVER COULD.  

* * *

Five: (June 7th)

FIELD TRAINING! 

(AKA A Productive Summer!)

I received a question 10 days ago asking about the field training, but since I already wanted to make a blog post about it, I thought I would answer it with the blog post instead of writing the answer twice..

But before I answer the question I'm going to give general information about it:

Name: AimHigh (for Organizing Exhibitions)

Purpose of the company: literally organizing exhibitions :p

At first I wanted to take the summer training in the Computer Science college, but, subhan-Allah, that did not happen for some reason and I got accepted with AimHigh. (And I'm the only trainee there).

Though exhibitions are not my thing, organizing stuff is.

So, here I am, half way through the third week of the field training.

1st: How is/was it?

It's actually pretty cool, the company is a new one so there is a very small number of employees. Which leads to having a lot of things to do there.
And having a lot of things to do is the best thing you could wish for when your goal for summer is to busy yourself!

–

2nd: Advantages?

Field Training/Modeling Done Right

I modeled for them, for one. Haha! It was once.. But, wallah.. It's cool!

And the second is, since I love organizing stuff and not attending the exhibitions, it's an advantage for me to see all these 'behind the scenes' and be able to be a part of the organizing team.

One day before the actual exhibition

The third, and most important advantage for me is this: MAKING VIDEOS!!!
They absolutely loved the idea of video making, and I've made over 5 videos for them so far.
(This is a video of the entire last exhibition. I posted it on their channel on YouTube, but they still haven't shared it in the social media).

–

3rd: Disadvantages?

Of course there are disadvantages in everything, so, the disadvantage in the field training for me is that the regular working hours are from 9 a.m. - 5 p.m., so it feels like it's in the middle of the day and there's not time do anything in the week days, because I leave home at 8:30 a.m. and get back home at 5:30 p.m. and that's it, the day is over. (Ramadan working hours are from 9 a.m. - 3 p.m. Which is better).

Another disadvantage for me is that I have so many things to do for the company, but I don't have the authority to do them. So I have to have my supervisor close to me at all times.

Other than that, I'm absolutely thankful for it and for the ability to do something with my time. Because there is nothing that drives me crazy and gets my spirit down more than sitting around, doing nothing.


–


4th: Anything I want to say about it?

I WANT A SIMILAR CALENDAR!!!

I absolutely LOVE their calendar..
I really, honestly do!!!
It's so beautiful and very well organized.

I also want to say that, I am thankful for doing what felt like it was right and not going after the field training in college.

Because this is giving me an actual experience outside the virtual borders of college.

It is giving me the ability to know how things actually work in different places.

And I am happy for taking the field training as a summer course!

* * *

“Will power is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.”

Dear Lulwah,

People have always assumed that I’m straight A student.

And it always disappointed me; to feel like I’m not that.

Here’s a story about the student I was and the student I am:

* Was: (high-school)

The kind of student that never, ever, believed she could get a good grade in anything. And I mean anything.

I was the kind of student that is surrounded by the same group of friends that are always getting full marks on everything, since the ninth grade till I graduated from high-school.

All six of those friends used to get nothing less than a 97%, and I was the one that always got an 86% at the end of the year.

And I’m not saying that I’m proud of that, I actually used to cry because of how ashamed I used to feel. I used to really, really cry because of how much ‘less’ I am than them. It used to make me feel uncomfortable to be around them sometimes. (And.. I'm not saying that I was uncomfortable because of them, I was uncomfortable because of ME. They were, and still are, very good friends. They used to try and help me all the time, and they never judged me. I was judging myself enough.)

I was the kind of person that seriously never studies, because she’s afraid of studying.

Because she was taught, ever since she was a nine-year-old kid, that she is not smart and she can never be.

The kind of person that cannot believe in herself so much that, even when she studies, she thinks she’s not smart enough to get a good grade. And be rewarded with just that.

The kind of student that even when she tried getting it together to finish high school with a good CGPA, she couldn’t.

And it always made her think so much less of herself.

* Am: (college)

Since I stayed home for a year an a half, I forgot what it’s like to be a student; to study.

So, when I started college, I started fresh, I was a whole different person, and college was literally like a whole new world to me; a whole new experience.

At first, I studied day by day, participated in the class, and got good grades, simply because I wanted to.

But then there was this voice at the back of my mind talking to me without me even noticing. It’s telling me about how much I haven’t actually changed. And about how much I always will be the same incapable person, and no matter how much I tried, I will never get a good grade in anything (and not just in college). And that seeing a good grade by my name is just a dream that’ll never come true.

And that sound keeps talking and talking, slowly penetrating my mind.

And I listened to it through the first two years of college. I started re-believing in this idea. And I didn't even notice it.

But then, I didn’t get accepted in the major I wanted and it was literally like a strong, stinging slap to my face. Not because I didn't get accepted, but because I actually believed deep down that I wouldn't.

And, what I did was: I slapped my face right across the other cheek. Because I NEEDED TO STOP THIS!

At this point, I don’t even care about getting good grades. I honestly don’t. Because, at this point, getting a good grade or a good GPA is nothing but something to feed my ego.

But, you know what? You know what I really want, what really makes me want a good grade and a good GPA?

It's wanting to prove to the old me that I can.

It’s all I want. Just to prove to the Lulu that never believed in herself, that she was doing nothing but waste her time on negativity and self-pity.

She was wasting all her time listening to the wrong people, being with the wrong people, and she was wasting her time comparing herself to everyone around her.

I want to show her, show the voice in my head, that I can.

And even if I couldn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

And THAT is something that I want to teach myself, to be able to teach to my own children one day.

And even if my grades weren’t as high as people expect them to be, it is okay. Because I am a very smart, ambitious person. I don’t think I am, I know I am. And, whatever outcome I receive, I will know deep down, that it’s enough. And it doesn't define me as a person.

–

So, Dear 16-year-old Me,

I wish you could’ve noticed how smart you already were,

I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself the whole time.

I wish you didn’t have to be so worried all the time of people thinking so much less of you because you weren’t a straight A student.

I wish you could’ve known how special you would become when you grew older.

I wish you didn’t listen to the voices in your head all the time.
No one is going to love you, or hate you, because of how your grades are.

And, you didn’t have to wait for the people around you to love you, or hate you.
People will judge you no matter what you do.

You should’ve been confident and carefree.

You should’ve been happy with who you are.

Because you turned out to be an amazing person. You turned out to be even better than you hoped you would be.

And you will get better and better with time.

Life isn’t about getting a 98 or 99% in school. It’s about being content with who you are. And being happy with yourself.

It’s about accomplishments and so much more.

You are more. And you will be even more than that in the future, in sha’a Allah.

You’re amazing.

I love you,

Don’t wait for anyone to tell you that,

always tell it to yourself.