Dear Lulwah,

People have always assumed that I’m straight A student.

And it always disappointed me; to feel like I’m not that.

Here’s a story about the student I was and the student I am:

* Was: (high-school)

The kind of student that never, ever, believed she could get a good grade in anything. And I mean anything.

I was the kind of student that is surrounded by the same group of friends that are always getting full marks on everything, since the ninth grade till I graduated from high-school.

All six of those friends used to get nothing less than a 97%, and I was the one that always got an 86% at the end of the year.

And I’m not saying that I’m proud of that, I actually used to cry because of how ashamed I used to feel. I used to really, really cry because of how much ‘less’ I am than them. It used to make me feel uncomfortable to be around them sometimes. (And.. I'm not saying that I was uncomfortable because of them, I was uncomfortable because of ME. They were, and still are, very good friends. They used to try and help me all the time, and they never judged me. I was judging myself enough.)

I was the kind of person that seriously never studies, because she’s afraid of studying.

Because she was taught, ever since she was a nine-year-old kid, that she is not smart and she can never be.

The kind of person that cannot believe in herself so much that, even when she studies, she thinks she’s not smart enough to get a good grade. And be rewarded with just that.

The kind of student that even when she tried getting it together to finish high school with a good CGPA, she couldn’t.

And it always made her think so much less of herself.

* Am: (college)

Since I stayed home for a year an a half, I forgot what it’s like to be a student; to study.

So, when I started college, I started fresh, I was a whole different person, and college was literally like a whole new world to me; a whole new experience.

At first, I studied day by day, participated in the class, and got good grades, simply because I wanted to.

But then there was this voice at the back of my mind talking to me without me even noticing. It’s telling me about how much I haven’t actually changed. And about how much I always will be the same incapable person, and no matter how much I tried, I will never get a good grade in anything (and not just in college). And that seeing a good grade by my name is just a dream that’ll never come true.

And that sound keeps talking and talking, slowly penetrating my mind.

And I listened to it through the first two years of college. I started re-believing in this idea. And I didn't even notice it.

But then, I didn’t get accepted in the major I wanted and it was literally like a strong, stinging slap to my face. Not because I didn't get accepted, but because I actually believed deep down that I wouldn't.

And, what I did was: I slapped my face right across the other cheek. Because I NEEDED TO STOP THIS!

At this point, I don’t even care about getting good grades. I honestly don’t. Because, at this point, getting a good grade or a good GPA is nothing but something to feed my ego.

But, you know what? You know what I really want, what really makes me want a good grade and a good GPA?

It's wanting to prove to the old me that I can.

It’s all I want. Just to prove to the Lulu that never believed in herself, that she was doing nothing but waste her time on negativity and self-pity.

She was wasting all her time listening to the wrong people, being with the wrong people, and she was wasting her time comparing herself to everyone around her.

I want to show her, show the voice in my head, that I can.

And even if I couldn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

And THAT is something that I want to teach myself, to be able to teach to my own children one day.

And even if my grades weren’t as high as people expect them to be, it is okay. Because I am a very smart, ambitious person. I don’t think I am, I know I am. And, whatever outcome I receive, I will know deep down, that it’s enough. And it doesn't define me as a person.

–

So, Dear 16-year-old Me,

I wish you could’ve noticed how smart you already were,

I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself the whole time.

I wish you didn’t have to be so worried all the time of people thinking so much less of you because you weren’t a straight A student.

I wish you could’ve known how special you would become when you grew older.

I wish you didn’t listen to the voices in your head all the time.
No one is going to love you, or hate you, because of how your grades are.

And, you didn’t have to wait for the people around you to love you, or hate you.
People will judge you no matter what you do.

You should’ve been confident and carefree.

You should’ve been happy with who you are.

Because you turned out to be an amazing person. You turned out to be even better than you hoped you would be.

And you will get better and better with time.

Life isn’t about getting a 98 or 99% in school. It’s about being content with who you are. And being happy with yourself.

It’s about accomplishments and so much more.

You are more. And you will be even more than that in the future, in sha’a Allah.

You’re amazing.

I love you,

Don’t wait for anyone to tell you that,

always tell it to yourself.